It’s such a nice day out today, and I’m happy to be alive
and to feel the sensation of water on my hands
and to be going to see a free show w/ my best friends, and then play music with them.
I played music with another group of people just yesterday at a 50th anniversary thing for my old elementary school, and it’s just not at all the same as playing with people I’m so comfortable and familiar with, and who I really synch up with. That was a cool realization for me that we really seem to work together pretty well as a band.
It’s friday night and
I’m going to a thing.
And although there may be a reason for me to be in disagreeable spirits this evening, a skype conversation with Eric has turned my mood almost 180, to the point where I’m actively happy just to be getting to see my friends, or just for the very privilege of having friends in the first place! All he did was tell me not to go into the situation expecting it to be bad, because if I did, chances are it will be. (Seems like very obvious advice, and is in fact something I tell other people all the time). Guess I just needed a nice reminder :) This is nice. Also a minor possibility is that nobody would show up and the thing might dud, but still then I think I’d just go get a doughnut and have fun in some other way, and that’s pretty cool.
Also, a thought I just had while washing dishes moments ago: I think it’s very important to not attach too much significance to tattoos. I know for most people they mean something specific, or are a reminder/record or something, which is great, duh. I was thinking about the henna I have on my arm right now, it’s a lovely flower, and I was thinking of what I’d say if someone asked me what it meant. And I realized it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just pretty. Same goes for tattoos, it’s perfectly great to just have something that looks really nice or is aesthetically pleasing and has no special significance beyond that.
Maybe that’s not something people bitch about, (tattoos needing to have meaning I mean) maybe it’s just a bias I had to break down in my own head, but still it was a nice thing to affirm.
tonight, I’m sleeping with the window open, to the sounds of the freeway.
Before you fall in love with me you should know that I get very easily attached to things. This one time I only ate these little clementines and these teeny oranges were literally all I would eat so for weeks and weeks I just devoured clementines, their taste never left my mouth it’s like these damn clems had stained my taste buds. Eventually they went out of season and I fell into this distressed state because I couldn’t eat these things. I was obsessed with them you have no idea the strife this put me through. I tried replacing the clementines with other fruits but mangoes were too much work and apples weren’t as tart im telling you man nothing compared to my clementines. I don’t think you can fully understand what I went through with those tiny citrus fruits but I can promise you that im a different person because of them. Really life changing, those clems.
So, are you ready to fall in love?
old friend date?
Okay, I give myself 5 more minutes to finish these lyrics, then I’ve got to make my freaking popcorn if I expect to get to bed anytime before 2am. Yes I am going to watch LOTR.
Currently I am lounging on my bed on a warm spring night, listening to Lana Del Rey, whose music is surprisingly perfect for many occasions, including this one. And speaking of that lovely lady, The Great Gatsby was an extremely superb film, no matter what reviewers say I recommend you go see it and be prepared to feel lots of feelings about it (and especially the A+++ soundtrack). I went to see it w/ my best friend crew and the guy I’ve been dating. *note: I love my friends so much, they are perfect and spending time with them is the best thing* Then afterwords he and I ditched my friend’s birthday party (mostly because we couldn’t find it) which I do feel guilty about, but then again I’m going to see his dance show in a couple weeks, so I’m glad I’ll be able to support him in that way instead.
Also, I have a bit of a situation on my hands. An “old” friend who goes to my college (who I have not spoken to or seen since the end of high school) recently contacted me out of the blue, and tried to make casual conversation, which I returned. When I asked if he was wanting to hang out, he sort of changed the subject, but then soon later arranged for us to get lunch. So that’s happening tomorrow, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’ll be really nice to see him again, he’s a very standup dude and we ate lunch at the same table together every day for like half of high school, but the way he was texting with me, and just the fact that this is such sudden and seemingly random contact…I just get the feeling he’s got something on his mind he wants to talk about. Could be related to my sexuality (I always thought he might have been questioning), could be related to friendship (and how we just haven’t seen each other literally at all), and I could be reading way too much into this as I probably usually do and it may just be a completely innocent meeting. I’m just very interested; this is so unexpected and cool, and I’m a bit nervous, I hope it’s not going to be awkward speaking with him after all this time!
consent is sexy
Recently I have been romantically involved with an extremely amazing and wonderful boy, who I like a whole heap ton. The point of saying that , aside from just general gushing, is to emphasize how much he means to me. Anyway last Friday (the day before my birthday) we were on our second official date, and when night fell we ended up on a very private beach under the stars. The time was right, I made my move, and put my arms around him.
After a while of standing and gently rocking together, I asked him if it was too much. He said no, I asked if he was sure, and he replied that he’d “never done this before.” I told him that was okay, and after letting the words hang for a while, asked if he wanted to. He said yes, we kissed, it was out of this world.
The point of telling a very personal story like this is to say that it wouldn’t have been nearly as sexy and beautiful and wonderful without doing what I did before hand, which was make sure that he was entirely comfortable with and prepared for the situation. Later when I told a couple friends about this, they were extremely supportive of how I acted, and one of them told me that “consent is sexy.” And I must agree! Consent means that your experience is entirely mutual, and establishes a really deep level of connection in the sharing of the physical and metaphysical feelings at play. Even in a more ‘simple’ act like kissing, the fact that I asked first enhanced my personal experience insanely, and I really felt like it did his as well.
I’m not saying this is necessarily necessary; spontaneous passion is great as well, but I do wish that in this day and age more people were into what now seems to be more old-fashioned ideas of romance.
On Saturday it will be my birthday. Yes Star Wars day, (May the 4th be with you) which I always say explains so much of my nerdiness…
Anyway! I was on the bus today, trying to mute the seriously loud screaming of a group of seriously drunk kids behind me (ugh) and I was like “wow, 19 years ago today, I was a small unborn creature inside my mother’s womb, and 19 years later today, here I am, a well grown human being, who’s had so many experiences and emotions and injuries and eaten lots of food and seen and touched and smelled things, and I’m sitting here on this bus riding home from college.” Basically just a weird reminder that I do indeed exist, and that stuff happens in life, and it’s happened to me, and there’s no way to even begin to accurately picture where you’ll be in future points of your life.
Tomorrow I’ve got to wash my car, and mow the lawn, and then I’m going on a date (which I have planned out, not something I’d normally do, but I’m trying hard to impress and do something really….magical (as corny as that sounds) ). And then my friend was amazing enough to offer to throw me a little birthday get-together with our friends tomorrow night as well, so that’s something wonderful to look forward to as well! Man, today was just such a lazy summer day, beautiful California weather, and an easy breezy conversation w/ a cool new friend, and cold drinks in cool shade on grass. So now I am tired, and I shall sleep this warm night away, to awaken fresh for what’s set to be a totally nice day tomorrow.
I don’t want to do things, I want to do other THINGS
Because for 2 days now I have been unable to kick myself or my brain hard enough to start working on this little piece of writing for psych, I shall use my blog as a last resort method for procrastination. Something about this week….I just haven’t been able to get myself started. I need something to throw me into the swing of things, specifically school work, but that hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps it’s the fact that I had a midterm last week, so now I’ve sunk into a cushion of post-test relief. I had an amazing date and Pride Prom experience last Friday, so maybe I’m still just stuck on how awesome it all was. I have plans for Friday, plans of driving, and a mountain picnic, and the beach, so maybe I’m just anticipating that a little too much. Whatever the reason, school work has not been a thing that’s happened yet this week.
I think it also has to do with the fact that there is no reason for me to do my work yet, so I simply haven’t. Like this psych paper isn’t due till tomorrow evening, so really I have plenty of time for it. I know I should do it now, I kind of have to do it now but….my mind is just elsewhere, already in mode for Friday! School’s just a little boring recently, and for the past couple of weeks I’ve had the wonderful pleasure of experiencing our beautiful California beaches with good friends, instilling in me a desire to get out of the house, outside in the great wide world, and to live with and explore nature. But this is good! I don’t feel apathetic, or lifeless, or passionless, in fact recently I feel a nice passion for experiencing life and places and things, and I need more opportunities to DO those! I took this morning to enjoy Lights’ new album, and it was just the sort of experience I need. Speaking of experiences I need, this weekend is my birthday, and I might get to go out of town with my parents, pay a vist to Santa Cruz, you know, just get out and be/experience something else for a while. Additionally I feel a great need to do that kind of thing with some of my closest friends soon. I want Kaylee back from Australia so we can all do that.
And I still don’t want to write this psych thing right now.
I’m supposed to go pick up the Panda Express with my dad kinda soon actually, and I’ve got the Daft Punk and Scott Pilgrim on lock, the cuddling part is hard to do from so far away.
All I want out of life right now is Panda Express, to keep listening to Daft Punk, and cuddling while reading Scott Pilgrim.
Oh and you know what else? Everyone seems to be hooking up and stuff recently. Like…not just for sex, I mean everyone’s gettin boyfriends. Number one was grinding/making out with this one dude literally all of prom night, and I’m pretty sure they ended up going home together, one of my besties has been dating a guy for a couple weeks now, I just saw another friend change his relationship status on fb with some dude, and my friend and another friend met each other at prom and definitely went on a date yesterday and probably hooked up last night, and there’s the possibility that another bestie’s ex might be interested in him again or something i don’t know
Point being, wow, this all just happened so suddenly?! It’s kind of hilarious, totally awesome, and I’m just like “was this all from prom or what??” Things even seem to be looking kinda good for me, like I said, my date did indeed identify our night as a date, and is really excited to see me and hang out again. It’s….looking good, yes, which is really nice, cause again like I said I think I really like this boy.
Plus he’s sexy as hell
If it doesn’t end up working out then I think it’d be fine, due to this new mindset I’m currently living in, but still I think it’s quite nice that everyone seems to be getting together recently. I just hope this doesn’t make anyone else feel sad or particularly lonely, cause a lot of my friends have also been like that recently, and down on themselves particularly hard, and I’m trying to comfort and re-assure them well. I wish I could simply love everyone and fix things for them! But nah stuff’s going to be great.
Also, one might notice a lack of blogging from me recently. No particular reason, just haven’t had motivation to write. Not in a gross apathetic way, just, no need to! But I do feel bad for the friends I have on this website that are probably like “what’s up with you man” so here’s a quick rundown of some stuff that’s been up recently.
It’s pride month, and for a long time I’ve been anticipating Pride Prom, which is exactly what it sounds like. That was just this past Friday, and boooooy was it fun! After driving 3 carloads of drunk friends from our pre-game to the dance, I finally got to meet up with my date. I actually met him online, and we’ve been talking non-stop for a good month at least(?), just as friends, and a week or so before, I asked him if he wanted to come to the dance with me. We’d never met in person before. But Friday, we did, and happily, the great chemistry we’ve had over text totally worked IRL too, and it made me really happy that something like this worked out, cause anyone who uses gay apps knows that 99% of people on there suck. (ha). So we danced the night away, and it was wonderful and exciting and fun, and then we went to Denny’s and talked and overall had an incredibly awesome first date (his words, not mine). So now I’m quite looking forward to seeing him again :)
I spoke with the head of the psychology dept. at school the other week, and we talked about a plan for me to switch my major to psychology. Most likely, I’ll be taking classes over the summer, and if I do well enough (this quarter + summer) I should be able to switch! This is exciting, but also means I’m going to need to work ridiculously hard. Also I applied/interviewed for a job at the campus store, but I truly don’t think I’ll be getting the position. I need money, so badly, I literally have $3 in my bank account, and 20 in my wallet. That’s it. Again, lots of hard work, but I believe I’m up for it!
Lastly, I’ve just been feeing a lot more equalized recently. My mentality towards number 1 has changed mostly from “I still want you from afar and I’m jealous and bleh” to “man it makes me sad that I wasn’t good enough for you, and I wish I had answers, but it’s okay.” Like really tho, I think it’s okay! I have a new interest now, one who frankly I have feelings for in a way I haven’t since number 1 first came along. Now that I have firmly decided on a direction for my education, I’m feeling a lot better about my life in general too. I have lots more motivation when it comes to school work, and I’ve been concentrating and studying for real this quarter. So far! I do hope that geology midterm went well last week! Aside from that, I’m really just listening to damn great music, flourishing in creating music with some of my best friends in our band, appreciating my friends and a lot of little things, and seriously taking time to live in the moment. My life’s philosophy has shifted to a vaguely positive, and mostly just kind of blissfully accepting and self-present thingy. Idk, more on this later maybe as I better figure it out. I think it might have something to do with my lack of drinking out of depression this quarter, and filling that gaping hole with genuinely good times with genuine people, appreciating nature and the ocean, and our music, and taking time to feel alive, and I think I’d really REALLY SERIOUSLY benefit from taking a grand adventure trip, say, to San Francisco or Portland Oregon quite soon. Although this place is great and I’m okay with still living here (Nah more than okay :3) I do need to go out and experience something more for a while! Wanna road trip it!
I’ve been having dreams with really huge and interesting and detailed settings recently. And there are lots of detailed important objects/set pieces too. I think that’s cool, and much cooler that I’ve been recalling them.
So you know how Barbie dolls are freakishly and unrealistically disproportionate? Well anyway, that’s a real thing, like if Barbie were scaled up to human being size she’d be like 7’ tall and her back would break from her boobs being too large. But anyway.
I was walking by some stores earlier today when I got those shoes, and there were some manequins in the windows. Ignoring my fear, my mom and I were commenting on how skinny the figures were, and it made me wonder if the same unrealistic standards are given to manequins? It certainly seems that way….like that they’re unhealthily small/petite/etc. and stuff.
I’d love to do/read a study about this. I feel like this must be a thing, given our society and culture’s obsession with body image, and the unrealistic example most media sets for us to live up to. I think it’s really very sad. Cause nobody’s gonna look like those manequins. I just hope nobody feels bad for looking like themselves instead of looking like some doll.
The other night at my friend’s birthday party, we had black lights and face paint, and my friend Amber told me that I looked like a character from Skyrim with the way I had my face painted, and it was one of the most boss compliments I’ve ever gotten.